Yeah, But Sex IS Necessary

Let’s talk about sex and relationships. Did you know, according to a study in 2018, approximately 15% of marriages are considered sexless? And according to Good House Keeping, the average married couple has sex between 58-68 times a year. Y’all… there are 365 days in a year. That’s 300ish days in the year… married couples are not having sex. And that same study showed that only half of married women still want regular sex after four years of marriage and 12% of all married people haven’t had sex for at least three months.

Friends, this is not okay. In fact, this is not only not okay, this is not healthy. Out of all the reasons my friends have had for ending their relationships or complaining about their relationships being bad- do you know what the top complaint is? Lack of sex. “She always says she’s too tired.” “He just wants to do it quick- there’s no romance anymore.” “I’m just always exhausted.” “We’re just too busy with work and the kids and everything.” “I don’t know… I just don’t feel like he’s attracted to me anymore.” “She always tells me she doesn’t feel attractive enough.” Y’all those are some actual quotes I have heard from actual every day people. Most of those people are no longer in relationships. And that is heartbreaking.

Did you know there are many reasons that sex in a relationship is important besides for the pleasure of it? Having sex with your significant other: boosts your attraction towards one another, draws you closer, gives pleasure, makes one another feel loved and desired, boosts self esteem, alleviates depression, lowers blood pressure, lowers heart attack risks, boosts immune system, burns calories, improves sleep, relieves stress, releases dopamine and quite frankly is just enjoyable.

Sex is not everything in a relationship, but it is an important part of a relationship. Just as you wouldn’t neglect to eat, sleep, or drink water- you can’t neglect to take care of each others sexual needs either. If you’ve found yourselves in a slump- it’s not too late. In all honesty, most relationship problems can be solved with communication. Remember earlier when I shared all of those quotes with you? I always respond with the same response, “Have you told your other half this?” or “Have you talked to your other half about this?” and I almost always get told, “Well, no, what’s the point?” Well… the point is if we don’t actively talk to one another about what we genuinely want and need how will we ever be able to accomplish those wants and needs?

So here’s some advice, take it or leave it. If you find your relationship struggling sexually this is my suggestion: First, sit your partner down and let them know how you’re feeling. Do not place blame or make them feel as if they’re failing, but rather let them know that you find them very attractive and that you crave intimacy with them. Tell them that being close and intimate with them makes you feel loved and wanted and that you also want to show them that you love and want them as well. Once you’ve done that probe a little and find out if there’s a reason they’ve been abstaining or rejecting your advances. If the reason is something you can help fix, do that. For example if they’re constantly saying they’re too tired- now is the time to ask them how you can help unburden them a little so they have the energy. Or if they say they don’t feel attractive enough- well now you have an opportunity to start reminding them how attractive you find them. Slap their ass more often. Flirt. Tell them how sexy you find them when they’re doing something specific. etc. Third, remember that while sometimes quickies are great and also necessary- so is slowing it down and mixing it up. It’s so important that both parties are left equally satisfied. That means taking the time to really explore and figure out what each of you want and enjoy and/or dislike. This means foreplay. This means communication. This means being open and putting requests in to action.

Don’t let lack of sex be the reason your relationship doesn’t work out. Don’t allow lack of sex to become a reason you don’t feel loved or you begin to feel insecure. This is your relationship… your life… with the person you love. Talk to each other. And then go bang one out. Trust me, you won’t be regret it. Have happy orgasms, folks. Life’s too short for anything less.